It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
