Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
