We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize