I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
