Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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