not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
