Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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