The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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