Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
