she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
