o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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