umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
