My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
