I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
