Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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