I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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