1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
