Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
