Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
