You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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