We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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