i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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