you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
