ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
