9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
