just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize