If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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