well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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