So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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