I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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