I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
