I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
