He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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