why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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