shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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