I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
