I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
