considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
