i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize