Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
