I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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