I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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