I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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