I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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