Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
