so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
