My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
