Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So many bounce houses so little time
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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