If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
