Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
