hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize