I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
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