You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
