Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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