I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
