I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
