My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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