next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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