i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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