i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
