I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
