I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
