Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize