He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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