i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
